The Email Facts of Life: All about Forwards…
After answering an email to a family member about a virus warning email she had received, and giving her pretty close to the same advice, I decided to dig up this treasure again for the world to see and love, because if anything is true, it’s this.
The Email Facts of Life
- Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1,000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on “just in case it’s true.” Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that “we checked it out and it’s legit,” that does not actually make it true.
- There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm. And I quote: “The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have.” That’s “none” as in “zero.” Not even your friend’s cousin.
- Neiman Marcus doesn’t really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don’t, you can get a copy at www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html. Then, if you make the recipe and decide that the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
- We all know 500 ways to drive roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
- EVEN IF THE latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went particulate over the Eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?
- There is no “Good Times” virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any e-mail containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try www.norton.com. And even then, don’t forward it. We don’t care.
- If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you’re probably going to hell.
- If you’re using Outlook, IE or Netscape to write e-mail, turn off the “HTML encoding.” Those of us on UNIX shells can’t read it and don’t care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a Web browser, since you’re probably forwarding us a copy of the goddamned Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
- IF YOU STILL absolutely must forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who’s received it over the last six months. It sure wouldn’t hurt to get rid of all the “)” that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times — I’ve probably already seen it.
- Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a “little boy” either.
My Thoughts on the Topic
These are unsubstantiated opinions, I’d love to get the research and have hard numbers behind them.
- Forwarded cats, puppies, religious themes, chain letters and jokes are second only to spam (and in my opinion they are spam) in what wastes Internet bandwidth.
- More viruses have been spread via email forwards than any other method.
- Forwards are exponential. Every forwarder you get added to, finds your name on their friends, and their friends……
- Forwards can get people fired (ask my Dad if you don’t believe me)
- I hate forwards
- I hate forwards more than I hate people who kill puppies
- I hate forwards more than I hate people who club baby seals
- I hate forwards more than I hate getting kicked in the nuts
- Did I mention I really really really hate forwards?
Have a nice day!
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Comments
I’ve told this loads of times to friends, and yet some still insist on sending me them, including my mother!
I’ve told her, if im never too old for a slap, she’s never too old to be kicked off her stool.
I got a great forward from everyone in the U.S. I think they have actually found a way to lower gas prices!!!!!
Excellent stuff Jason. So much so that I’ve sent this to my mum, dad and sister. I think I’ve already made some points to my mum about these sorts of things but nice to have some comedic commentary